Doctor and Patient Jokes

Updated June 8, 2024 at 1:37 pm

Get ready to laugh with our collection of hilarious doctor and patient jokes that highlight the lighter side of medical visits and the humorous moments that happen in clinics and hospitals.

Laugh Out Loud with Doctor and Patient Jokes

Doctor and patient jokes have been around for eons and are beloved by many for their clever wit. They lighten the mood in even the most serious environments, making doctor visits a little less stressful. Whether you are in the waiting room or need a good laugh at home, these jokes are sure to put a smile on your face.

Classic Doctor and Patient Jokes

If you are looking for some timeless chuckles, here are some of the most classic doctor and patient jokes:

Doctor: “I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?”

Patient: “Tell me the good news first.”

Doctor: “You only have 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat a birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Patient: “Doctor, I think I need glasses.”

Doctor: “You certainly do. This is a bank.”
Doctor: “You need new glasses.”

Patient: “How do you know that without checking my eyes?”

Doctor: “Because you came in through the window instead of the door.”
Patient: “Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me everywhere I go.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

Funniest Doctor and Patient Jokes

Here are some more jokes that are guaranteed to tickle your funny bone:

Doctor: “Please lie down on the examination table.”

Patient: “Why, doctor? Will it help my condition?”

Doctor: “No, it’s just more comfortable for me.”
Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?”

Doctor: “Sell.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry to inform you that you’ve been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease.”

Patient: “What’s the good news?”

Doctor: “That was the good news. The bad news is, that’s not the worst of it.”
Patient: “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.”

Doctor: “Don’t answer.”
Patient: “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.”

Doctor: “Who said that?”

More Doctor and Patient Jokes to Keep You Laughing

Doctor: “You’re overweight.”

Patient: “I want a second opinion.”

Doctor: “You’re also ugly.”
Patient: “Doctor, can I get a second opinion?”

Doctor: “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a bone.”

Doctor: “Are you choking?”

Patient: “No, I really did!”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a dog.”

Doctor: “Lie down on the couch and I’ll examine you.”

Patient: “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Patient: “Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Can you give me something to keep it in?”

Doctor: “Sure, how about a paper bag?”

The Lighter Side of Medical Visits

Doctor: “You need a surgery that requires immediate attention.”

Patient: “How much will it cost?”

Doctor: “An arm and a leg.”
Doctor: “Your body has to accept the operation.”

Patient: “What if it doesn’t?”

Doctor: “Then it will return it within 30 days.”
Doctor: “You have a cracked rib.”

Patient: “Did I break it?”

Doctor: “No, it came with the soup.”
Patient: “Doctor, I broke my arm in two places.”

Doctor: “Stop going to those places.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.”

Doctor: “Pull yourself together.”

Jokes to Help You Laugh Off the Doctor Blues

Doctor: “What’s the condition of the boy who swallowed the penny?”

Nurse: “No change yet.”
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve broken my finger and now my whole body is in pain.”

Doctor: “Let me guess, you broke it by poking all parts of your body to check?”
Patient: “Doctor, I’m feeling a bit run down.”

Doctor: “Sir, this is an auto shop.”
Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve fallen in love.”

Doctor: “That’s not a medical condition. It’s called life.”
Doctor: “You’ve got anemia.”

Patient: “I’ve got anemia?”

Doctor: “Nope, just kidding. You’re really just lazy.”

Find More Ways to Keep Smiling with Other Fun Jokes

If you enjoyed these jokes, be sure to check out our collections of Knock Knock Jokes and Dog Jokes for more laughter.

More Hilarious Doctor and Patient Jokes to Enjoy

Patient: “Doctor, I think I’m allergic to turnips.”

Doctor: “Oh, that’s a rare root allergy.”
Doctor: “What seems to be the trouble?”

Patient: “Doctor, I have a strawberry growing out of my elbow!”

Doctor: “Don’t worry. I’ll give you some cream for that.”
Doctor: “I know what’s wrong with you. You’ve got hypochondria.”

Patient: “Oh no! Not that too!”
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve lost all feeling in my hand.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry, it’ll come back to you.”
Doctor: “You have a split personality.”

Patient: “Well, can I make an appointment for both of us then?”

Even More Doctor and Patient Jokes for Endless Laughter

Doctor: “I have a bad news and a very bad news.”

Patient: “Well, let me have it then.”

Doctor: “The lab called with your results. They say you have 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible! What’s the very bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Patient: “Doctor, I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”

Doctor: “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”

Patient: “No, just spots.”
Doctor: “You are very sick.”

Patient: “Can I get a second opinion?”

Doctor: “Yes, of course, you are also ugly.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

Doctor: “Yes, of course.”

Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
Doctor: “You’ve got boils. I’ll give you some ointment.”

Patient: “Can you give me something stronger?”

Doctor: “Of course, how about some boiling water?”

More Funny Exchanges Between Doctors and Patients

Patient: “Doctor, I’m shrinking!”

Doctor: “Well, you better be a little patient.”
Patient: “Doctor, my stomach feels terrible when I touch it.”

Doctor: “Stop touching it then.”
Doctor: “You need to take one pill per day for the rest of your life.”

Patient: “But there are only three pills in here.”

Doctor: “Exactly, enjoy them sparingly.”
Doctor: “You have asthma and it’s severe.”

Patient: “Don’t worry, doctor. Since I have asthma, I have less breath to lose.”
Patient: “I can’t stop sneezing, doctor.”

Doctor: “Why not? Does it hurt?”

Patient: “No, but my arm gets tired after a while.”

Keep the Giggles Going with More Doctor and Patient Jokes

Patient: “Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.”

Doctor: “I’ll deal with you later.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge!”

Doctor: “What’s come over you?”

Patient: “Two cars, a bus, and a lorry.”
Doctor: “Are you taking the medicine I prescribed regularly?”

Patient: “Yes, doctor. Irregularly every day.”
Patient: “Doctor, I’m going to live forever! Right?”

Doctor: “Not unless you plan to outlive your medical bills.”
Doctor: “I see you’ve had your appendix removed.”

Patient: “Yes, and also a book of matches and a coin.

Doctor and Patient Banter for Your Enjoyment

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places!”

Doctor: “Then don’t go to those places.”
Patient: “Doctor, I’m due for some good news. What’s up?”

Doctor: “You’ve just won a holiday.”

Patient: “Really? Where to?”

Doctor: “The hospital. For surgery.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to undergo a very painful procedure.”

Patient: “But doctor, I have a high pain threshold.”

Doctor: “In that case, we might as well skip the anesthetic.”
Patient: “Doctor, my memory is gone.”

Doctor: “When did it start?”

Patient: “When did what start?”
Doctor: “You need to exercise more.”

Patient: “Great! When do we start?”

Doctor: “After you buy a treadmill.”

Light-Hearted Doctor and Patient Moments

Patient: “Doctor, I swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.”

Doctor: “Your next trip to the restroom could spell disaster.”
Patient: “Doctor, is everyone at this hospital an idiot?”

Doctor: “I don’t know, I’m a visitor here too.”
Patient: “Doctor, I feel like a pair of shoes!”

Doctor: “Fine, and how do you tie in with your symptoms?”
Doctor: “Patients usually walk out of here feeling much better.”

Patient: “But I’m feeling worse!”

Doctor: “Don’t worry, you’re not the usual.”
Patient: “Doctor, the pills you gave me aren’t working.”

Doctor: “That’s because I’m a dentist.”

Searching for More Fun? Check These Out

If you are looking for more laughs, our School Jokes and Chicken Jokes are sure to keep the good times rolling.

Even More Hilarious Doctor and Patient Jokes

Patient: “Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye!”

Doctor: “Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?”
Patient: “Doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter!”

Doctor: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”
Doctor: “I think you are suffering from an overactive imagination.”

Patient: “No way! Just yesterday I was in the Bahamas!”
Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a bullet!”

Doctor: “Well, don’t point him at anyone.”
Patient: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me! I think I’m shrinking.”

Doctor: “Calm down, you’ll just have to be a little patient.”

Let’s Keep Laughing with More Doctor and Patient Humor

Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve caught a cold.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry, it’s nothing you shouldn’t be able to handle.”
Patient: “Doctor, I have a habit of stealing things. What should I do?”

Doctor: “Take something for it.”
Doctor: “You should have been here two days ago for this treatment.”

Patient: “But I was sick two days ago!”
Doctor: “Why didn’t you come to see me yesterday?”

Patient: “I was too ill.”
Patient: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me! I can’t stop my hands from shaking.”

Doctor: “Do you drink a lot?”

Patient: “No, I spill most of it!”

Even Funnier Doctor and Patient Jokes to Keep You Amused

Patient: “Doctor, am I going to die?”

Doctor: “That’s the last thing you’re going to do.”
Doctor: “You look much better today.”

Patient: “I should. I’ve been dead for three days.”
Patient: “My heart’s beating really fast. What should I do?”

Doctor: “Stop running.”
Doctor: “Take a deep breath.”

Patient: “Now what?”

Doctor: “Hold it forever.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards.”

Doctor: “I’ll deal with you later.”

More Light-Hearted Doctor and Patient Jokes to Enjoy

Patient: “Doctor, I think I’m suffering from memory loss. What should I do?”

Doctor: “Pay me in advance.”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, my husband seems to have lost his memory.”

Doctor: “Why do you say that?”

Patient: “Because he sits around the house all day and doesn’t do anything!”
Patient: “Doctor, my leg hurts every time I walk.”

Doctor: “Have you tried walking less?”
Patient: “Doctor, can I get some sleeping pills for my husband?”

Doctor: “Why doesn’t he sleep?”

Patient: “He wakes up every time I want to go out!”
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”

Doctor: “When did this happen?”

Patient: “When did what happen?”