John Mulaney’s Wittiest Comedy Jokes
Updated July 17, 2024 at 4:42 pm
Explore the sharp wit and clever humor of John Mulaney with a curated selection of his most memorable and hilarious jokes that have left audiences in stitches.

What Makes John Mulaney’s Comedy Unique?
John Mulaney has carved out a unique niche in the comedy world through his quick wit, impeccable timing, and relatable humor.
Mulaney’s jokes often revolve around his millennial experiences, nostalgic references, and everyday observations.
This relatable content makes his comedy accessible to a broad audience, drawing from universal experiences while adding his personal touch.
Top Jokes from John Mulaney’s Stand-Up Shows
Let’s delve into some of John Mulaney’s most iconic jokes that have left audiences in stitches over the years.
Here are some highlights from his various stand-up specials.
- “I just watched Kiefer Sutherland load a dishwasher in my mind. He just put a plate in a sink and just walked away.”
- “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.”
- “I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. I’ve never seen quicksand in real life.”
- “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my god, how did I not die?’.”
- “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?'”
- “Now, I love a good thrilling story like anyone else, but if I hear one about how people got separated as children, it just makes me think, ‘You have no idea how boring my life is.’ “
- “I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.”
- “When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are gonna be right about that.”
- “I have a lot of stories about being scared. Like, I’m not scared of heights, but I think it’s time we called it what it is—flooring is lava.”
Notable Quotes and Observations
Many of John’s jokes come from his deep well of observations about life and human behavior.
His delivery is impeccable, drawing laughter with each punchline.
- “We don’t have time to unpack all of that!”
- “Adults love saying things like, ‘Oh, kids are mean,’ or, ‘Yikes, watch out,’ but it’s true—middle schoolers are terrifying.”
- “Quicksand will ruin me one day.”
- “I quit drinking and took a bubble bath. I watched movies and it was amazing. It was amazing to remember stuff.”
- “I was like a grandparent, and my childhood was just old worldy and there was nothing electronic around.”
John Mulaney’s Approach to Everyday Situations
Perhaps one of the funniest aspects of Mulaney’s comedy is his knack for turning mundane life events into hysterical anecdotes.
His perspectives on daily life are both refreshing and humorous.
- “I spent 10 years at my job before I quit to become a comedian. Because I wanted to make friends.”
- “When I was a child, my family went on vacation to an island, but I stayed at home with just the housekeeper.”
- “Was anyone else really depressed when they met a waitress and they’re like, ‘Hi, my name’s Diane’ and you’re like, ‘That sounds pretty old for a waitress.'”
- “I like having a girlfriend. I like having someone who helps me think ahead.”
- “I only have nice guys in my life who look like sex education teachers.”
Exploring His Relatable Humor
John Mulaney’s relatable humor stems from his ability to blend personal storytelling with universally recognizable themes.
This is one reason why his jokes often resonate with so many people.
- “His name was Mr. Music and I thought he was the epitome of cool. I wanted to be just like him, but turns out, he wasn’t cool at all.”
- “Sometimes I like to take time out of my day to just read menus. Not order food, just read menus.”
- “Is anyone else here that did not get the shot they were supposed to get as a child just out of general chaos? Just going, ‘My parents had three kids … they gave up pretty fast.’”
- “I apologize for talking about my dog so much, but when the pandemic hit, I got a dog named Petunia.”
- “Back when I was a kid, they had these things called newspapers, and they were made out of trees and just always wrong.”
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Pop Culture and Movie References in His Routine
Mulaney’s routines are peppered with clever pop culture references that add another layer of comedic value.
These references make his material even more engaging and memorable.
- “Back to The Future should be called A Good Film. I like naming movies after an adverb.”
- “Home Alone should just be called ‘Lack of Parental Supervision.'”
- “I think it’s crazy we still have a Queen. There’s only one left, and it’s not Freddie Mercury.”
- “I can’t wait for the end of the world. Once it happens, we’ll see what a Tesla is *really* made of.”
- “I don’t know who coined the phrase, but ‘Sharks are the bees of the sea’ made me laugh so hard.”
- “Netflix is just sitting there asking if I’m still watching, of course I am Netflix, I’m not going on a silent retreat.”
- “It’s been said that the icecream truck jingle is a sign of happiness, so why is it in horror movies?”
- “I have never understood why ‘Jurassic Park’ had a sequel. Literally, the park doesn’t work, end of story!”
John Mulaney’s Commentary on Modern Relationships
One of the delightful aspects of John Mulaney’s comedy is his sharp commentary on modern relationships.
He has a knack for making us laugh about the intricacies and absurdities of dating, marriage, and friendships.
- “I love her so much, she’s just such a great person, I don’t deserve her. Like, I just bring nothing to the table.”
- “Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you spent the day doing.”
- “I walked by a couple having a fight and the girl said, ‘You always get that salad, always!’ And I thought, ‘That sounds about right.'”
- “You know what I hate? When couples whisper to each other in the middle of a movie. Like, what are you trying to figure out together? Is this a test?”
Jokes About His Upbringing and Family
Mulaney often sources humor from his childhood and family experiences, bringing a relatable touch to his comedy.
These anecdotes reveal the hilarious dynamics of his family life.
- “We were raised Catholic, so you could say my family believed in the Holy Spirit and anti-Asian racism—both were pretty big deals at my house.”
- “My dad and I once had a fight over what TV show to watch and he said to me, ‘One day, you’ll have your own TV,’ and then walked away.”
- “When I was a kid, my mom would always make us take off our shoes before coming into the house. She wasn’t worried about dirt; she just didn’t want the house to look lived in.”
- “My family’s so Catholic that our house was covered in statues of saints. It was basically like living in a relief map of Italy.”
- “Every Christmas, my mom would insist we all go to church. And you’d think Jesus would understand, given that it’s his birthday and all, but no. No exceptions.”
Insightful Takes on Society and Culture
Mulaney’s comedic insights into society and culture are both amusing and thought-provoking.
He dissects various aspects of modern life with humor, making us laugh and reflect simultaneously.
- “It’s funny how everyone says, ‘Be yourself,’ until you do what you want and suddenly, it’s like, ‘No, not like that!'”
- “I once saw a guy get into a fight with a vending machine. Society has made us so dependent on technology that we now fight it like it’s a person.”
- “People always tell you to do what you love. But if everyone did what they loved, we’d have no one left to do the things we hate, like accounting.”
- “Has anyone else noticed that we’re all just zombies for technology? I can see it now: ‘The Walking Dead: iPhone Edition.'”
- “Modern dating is just bizarre. It’s like living in The Hunger Games, except instead of fighting to the death, you’re just trying to get someone to text you back.”
Observations on Health and Wellness
John Mulaney humorously tackles the topic of health and wellness, pointing out the absurdity of certain trends and practices.
His observations are not only hilarious but also shed light on the complexities of maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
- “If you ever want to feel like a failure, just talk to a fitness instructor. They’ll make you feel guilty for not waking up at 5 AM to run 10 miles.”
- “I once tried yoga, and I realized it’s basically like napping, but with more stretching.”
- “Ever notice that no matter how much green juice you drink, you never quite feel as healthy as those people on Instagram?”
- “Doctors are always saying things like, ‘You need more sleep,’ but with how stressful life is, who has time for that?”
- “I’ve learned that the secret to wellness is apparently just avocado toast—who knew health could be so delicious?”
His Take on Technology and Social Media
Mulaney brilliantly comments on the role of technology and social media in our lives.
His jokes highlight the funny and often frustrating aspects of living in a digital age.
- “I can’t believe we’ve come to a point where ‘liking’ someone is just a click away. Imagine explaining that to someone from the 1950s.”
- “The iPhone autocorrect is both the best and worst invention. It’s like it’s trying to help you but also sabotage you at the same time.”
- “I remember when you had to call a girl and hope her parents didn’t answer. Now, you can just slide into her DMs—what a time to be alive.”
- “Social media is like a mirror that just reflects back at you, but instead of seeing your face, you see other people living the life you wish you had.”
- “We’ve become so reliant on autocorrect that we’re basically letting it write our texts for us. It’s like having a tiny editor in your pocket.”
His Perspective on Fame and Celebrities
Mulaney often pokes fun at the concept of fame and the eccentricities of celebrities.
His witty takes offer an amusing look at the world of the rich and famous.
- “Celebrities complain about the paparazzi, but it’s like, if you want privacy, maybe don’t become famous. It’s pretty simple.”
- “Reality TV is just training people to be famous for doing absolutely nothing. It’s like, ‘Hey, look at me! I’m famous for being ridiculous!'”
- “You ever notice how celebrities always act like they’re just regular people? But then they casually mention their private jets and 20-bedroom mansions.”
- “Meeting a celebrity is like seeing a unicorn. You’re excited, but then you realize, ‘Oh, they’re just a regular person who also has a million dollars.'”
- “People are obsessed with celebrities, but I think it’s funny how most celebrities are just regular people who got lucky and now have an entourage.”
Insights on His Own Life and Career
Mulaney’s self-deprecating humor and insights into his own life and career add another layer to his comedy.
He candidly shares personal anecdotes that resonate with many.
For more laughs, check out these family jokes.
- “I was a really awkward kid. Like, if there was a contest for the most awkward kid, I’d probably win, but I wouldn’t show up to the award ceremony.”
- “Stand-up comedy is basically just therapy, but instead of paying a therapist, you hope strangers will pay to watch you talk about your problems.”
- “People often ask how I became a comedian, and I always say the same thing: ‘I wasn’t good at anything else.'”
- “Career paths are funny. You think you’re headed one way, then suddenly you’re like, ‘Wait, how did I end up here?’
- “Being a comedian means you’re always looking for the funny side of things. It’s like seeing the world through a pair of joke glasses.”
Funny Observations About Aging
Mulaney’s humorous observations about aging are both insightful and entertaining.
He manages to find the comedy in getting older, sharing relatable and funny moments.
- “Turning 30 felt like graduating from college all over again, except this time, the diploma just said, ‘You’re old now!'”
- “Once you hit your 30s, everyone starts talking about ‘making healthy choices,’ but all I hear is ‘give up the good stuff.’”
- “Aging is just a series of moments where you realize you can’t do the things you used to do. Like stay up past midnight without regretting it.”
- “Every birthday after 30 is basically just a reminder that you’re one year closer to becoming the weird old person in your neighborhood.”
- “I always thought I’d age gracefully, but now I’m just trying to age without falling apart. It’s all about setting realistic goals.”
His Hilarious Take on Traveling
Traveling is another topic Mulaney covers with his signature humor.
He highlights the funny and sometimes frustrating experiences we all face while traveling.
For more jokes on this theme, check out travel jokes for globetrotters and wanderlusts.
- “Traveling is great until you realize you forgot to pack something essential. Like, the time I forgot my passport on an international trip.”
- “Airports are strange. They’re like these weird, liminal spaces where time doesn’t exist and everyone’s rushing but going nowhere.”
- “I love how people always say they ‘love to travel,’ but really, they just love relaxing at a nice hotel. The travel part is the worst part.”
- “Traveling with friends can be fun, until you realize you all have different ideas of what a vacation should be. By the end, you’re vacationing from each other.”
- “I always plan to be productive on flights, but the moment I sit down, I’m like, ‘Nah, let’s just watch 10 movies in a row instead.’”
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His Unique Take on Food and Eating Habits
John Mulaney’s perspective on food and eating habits is both hilarious and spot-on.
He shares amusing anecdotes about food, revealing his unique sense of humor.
- “You ever notice how the more expensive the restaurant, the smaller the portions? It’s like they’re charging you for the fancy plate.”
- “Eating healthy always sounds like a good idea, until someone offers you cake. Then it’s like, ‘Well, there goes that plan.’”
- “I’m a big fan of takeout, mainly because it means I don’t have to cook or clean up. It’s the lazy person’s dream.”
- “I love how food trends change. Remember when everyone was obsessed with kale? Now it’s avocado everything.”
- “Brunch is my favorite meal, mainly because it’s socially acceptable to have breakfast and lunch foods at the same time.”
Funny Stories About His Pets
Mulaney also shares hilarious stories about his pets, bringing a humorous touch to the everyday experiences of pet ownership.
For more jokes about our furry friends, check out playful cat jokes for feline aficionados.
His observations are relatable for anyone who’s had a pet.
- “My dog, Petunia, is basically the queen of the house. She runs the place and we’re all just her loyal subjects.”
- “Pets are funny. Like, you can’t leave them alone for 5 minutes without them getting into some kind of trouble.”
- “I used to think having a pet would be relaxing, but really it’s just constant chaos with a hint of cuteness.”
- “The funniest thing about my dog is that she listens to commands only when she feels like it. It’s like having a rebellious teenager.”
- “Pet owners are basically just glorified servants. We feed them, clean up after them, and in return, we get puppy eyes and tail wags.”
Final Take on John Mulaney’s Comedy Genius
John Mulaney’s comedy stands out due to its relatable content, clever observations, and genuine delivery.
His ability to transform everyday experiences into laugh-out-loud moments is a testament to his comedic genius.
Humor About Marriage and Commitment
Marriage and commitment are frequent topics in Mulaney’s routines, and his unique take on these subjects is both hilarious and insightful.
He has a remarkable way of turning the complexities of relationships into comedic gold.
- “Every night my wife and I CTF—that stands for ‘Come To a Fight.'”
- “Marriage is like having a partner in everything. A partner in fights you didn’t even know you were supposed to be mad about.”
- “My wife is a lampshade; she lightens up the room, and I’m the switch, fairly dim most of the time.”
- “You ever notice that having kids is like constantly trying to defuse a bomb? The slightest wrong move and—boom! chaos.”
- “Couples tell each other, ‘We’re pregnant,’ but I assure you, sir, you are not pregnant. You might get some sympathy weight, but that’s about it.”
Amusing Takes on Career Choices
John Mulaney often jokes about career choices, especially his own decision to become a comedian.
His hilarious observations provide both entertainment and a glimpse into the life of a stand-up comedian.
- “I quit my job to become a comedian because I wanted to make people laugh, but mostly because I was terrible at everything else.”
- “My early career was filled with rejection, which is just a fancy word for ‘nobody wanted to pay for my jokes.’
- “People always say follow your dreams. But no one tells you that sometimes your dreams lead you straight to your parents’ basement.”
- “Being a comedian is weird because your job is to open up about your insecurities in front of strangers and hope they like you for it.”
- “If I’d known how much work went into being funny, I probably would have stuck with flipping burgers.”
Lighthearted Observations on Daily Life
One of Mulaney’s strengths is his ability to make ordinary daily life seem extraordinarily funny.
His jokes about everyday experiences are always spot-on and come with a touch of comedic brilliance.
For an extra dose of laughter, check out these classic why did the chicken cross the road jokes collection.
- “Taking the bus is like a game of Russian roulette on wheels. You never know what kind of craziness you’re going to encounter.”
- “Doing laundry is my least favorite chore. I always end up with one unmatched sock, and it’s like, ‘Where do they go? Do they run away?’ “
- “My favorite thing about public parks is how they’re supposed to be relaxing, yet there’s always someone doing something weird.”
- “Morning routines are funny because they’re never the same once you have kids. You plan for a quick coffee and end up cleaning cereal off the ceiling.”
- “Grocery shopping is an adventure. You go in for milk and come out with $200 worth of snacks you didn’t know you needed.”
Funny Parenting Anecdotes
John Mulaney’s jokes about parenting are as funny as they are heartwarming.
He captures the challenges and joys of raising kids with his signature humor.
- “Raising kids is like having a mini army that answers only to chaos. I’ve given up on keeping the house clean.”
- “You know you’re a parent when you start using your child’s nap time to catch up on your own sleep.”
- “Kids have this unique ability to ask a million questions right when you’re trying to do something important. It’s like a built-in distraction mechanism.”
- “My kid asked me the other day, ‘Dad, why is the sky blue?’ and I was like, ‘I have no idea, let’s ask Google.’
- “The funniest thing about being a parent is how excited you get over little things. Like, ‘Yes! They finally ate their vegetables!’.”
Real-Life Pet Experiences
Besides his jokes about family and daily life, Mulaney’s real-life experiences with his pets are a continual source of humor.
He manages to capture the quirky and entertaining aspects of pet ownership.
And if you’re a dog lover, you might also appreciate these dog jokes for canine enthusiasts and pet lovers.
- “My cat thinks she’s the queen of the castle, and I guess she is because I find myself doing her bidding all day.”
- “Dogs are loyal, but they’re also selectively deaf. Mine chooses to hear me only when I’m opening a bag of treats.”
- “Having a pet is like having a furry roommate who never pays rent but destroys everything.”
- “Every time I play fetch with my dog, I wonder who’s enjoying it more. Spoiler: it’s usually me.”
- “The funniest thing about pets is how they always want to be around you when you’re busy but ignore you when you have time to play.”
Laughs about Public Transportation
Mulaney’s anecdotes about public transportation are both relatable and amusing.
His observations highlight the hilarity that can come with everyday commuting.
- “Public transportation is great until you’re stuck between two people having a conversation you can’t escape.”
- “There’s always that one person on the bus who decides it’s karaoke time and blesses everyone with their off-key singing.”
- “Subway rides are an experience—one moment you’re reading a book, the next you’re part of a spontaneous dance party.”
- “I used to think trains were relaxing, but then I experienced a rush-hour commute.”
- “The best thing about buses is that you meet so many interesting characters. The worst thing is … you meet so many interesting characters.”
Iconic Bits from His Comedy Specials
John Mulaney has given us many unforgettable bits in his comedy specials.
These standout moments continue to make us laugh time and time again.
For more comedic relief, you might enjoy these smart science jokes that are surprisingly hilarious.
- “I never realized how scary babies are until I had to take care of one. They just sit there staring at you like they’re plotting something.”
- “Trying to eat healthy is like trying to stay dry in a rainstorm—no matter how hard you try, you’re going to get soaked.”
- “I once had a dream where I was doing stand-up in front of a room full of babies. It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced.”
- “I’ve always been a night owl, so the idea of waking up early for a job felt like a cruel and unusual punishment.”
- “The funniest thing about working from home is how every day feels like Casual Friday, except without the free donuts.”
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Avery Ingram
Contributor