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Leslie Jones’ Best Stand-Up Jokes

In this article, we delve into the most hilarious and unforgettable stand-up jokes from Leslie Jones, showcasing her unique comedic style and the moments that have made audiences roar with laughter.

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Introduction to Leslie Jones Stand-Up Comedy

Leslie Jones has made a name for herself in the world of comedy through her bold and hilarious stand-up routines.

Her jokes are inspired by real-life experiences, cultural observations, and her unique perspective on everyday situations.

Leslie’s performances are a blend of sharp wit and relatable humor that captivates audiences.

If you love comedy that pushes the envelope, you will appreciate Leslie’s unapologetically honest and insightful humor.

Opening Jokes from Her Netflix Special “Time Machine”

One of Leslie’s funniest stand-up routines is from her Netflix special “Time Machine”.

In this special, she touches on a range of topics from aging to celebrity culture, all with her signature flair.

  • “I got stung by a bee on my 50th birthday! How you gonna get stung by a bee at 50? The bees ain’t got respect no more!”
  • “When I turned 50, I realized I ain’t playing anymore. I’m a lethal combination of wisdom and don’t-give-a-damn!”
  • “Everybody wants to be a celebrity until they realize there’s paparazzi. I’m like, ‘Dude, I’m just trying to get to Walmart!'”
  • “Back in my day, celebrities were mysterious. Now, we just know way too much about everybody.”
  • “Why do people think 50 is old? I’ll whoop your ass and then knit you a sweater!”
  • “Social media done messed up the game. We didn’t have filters; we had the truth!”
  • “Everybody talks about the ‘good old days’. I’m like, ‘Yeah, they were good because we didn’t have Snapchat!'”
  • “Don’t put your whole life on Instagram. Keep some stuff a secret, like how slow you are on the treadmill!”
  • “People be trolling me online saying, ‘Leslie, you ain’t funny.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, but I’m rich, though!'”
  • “Who needs Tinder at 50? Just tell me if you got a job and good health insurance!”

Musings on Relationships and Dating

Leslie also dedicates a segment to the trials and tribulations of dating, packed with her piercing humor and relatable punchlines.

Her candid take on relationships is not only hilarious but also refreshingly honest.

  • “Why do men ask if you’re single as if that’s a bad thing? I’m single and blessed, boo!”
  • “Dating in your 50s is like shopping in a thrift store. You might find a treasure, but it’s mostly junk!”
  • “Ladies, stop doing all the work in the relationship. If he wants me to chase him, he better be holding a pizza!”
  • “Why are you ghosting me? Just tell me you found someone else. I got five more dates lined up anyway!”
  • “Online dating is so confusing. Do I swipe right or left? Just send a drone with your resume and medical history!”
  • “Forget ‘Netflix and chill’. How about ‘Hulu and hydrate’?”
  • “I need a man who will back me up, but also knows when to shut up. Balance is key!”
  • “Why do men think they can fix everything? I didn’t ask for a mechanic; I asked for a partner!”
  • “You know the relationship is real when you both start sharing your streaming passwords!”
  • “I don’t need you to buy me a drink. Pay my student loans and we can talk!”

Family and Growing Up

Another frequent theme in Leslie’s stand-up is her commentary on family dynamics and her upbringing.

Whether she’s mimicking her mother’s advice or recounting childhood memories, Leslie captures universal family moments.

  • “My mom always said, ‘Never follow a man. If he’s leading you somewhere, he better have a map and snacks!'”
  • “Growing up, we didn’t have Google. You just had to guess stuff. That’s why my generation is so messed up!”
  • “Back in my day, if you wanted to call somebody, you had to remember their phone number. Now, I can barely remember my own!”
  • “Did moms always have to scream your whole name? Like, ‘Leslie Joan Jones, get in here!’ I knew I was in trouble when I heard all three names.”
  • “My brother used to get on my nerves. He’d be like, ‘Leslie, fix me a sandwich.’ I said, ‘Fix your face!'”
  • “Family gatherings are a trip. Everyone acts like they’re so perfect, but I remember when you were in detention, cousin!”
  • “Parents nowadays are soft. I got whooped with a belt for looking the wrong way. Kids now get timeouts? Man please!”
  • “Why do parents always tell you to go play outside? I was like, ‘Do you even like me, Mom?'”
  • “I used to think my parents knew everything. Then I became an adult and realized they were just winging it!”
  • “My family thinks I’ve changed because I’m famous. Nah, I’ve just upgraded from Kool-Aid to champagne!”

Health and Aging Humor

Leslie’s humor about health and aging is both empowering and incredibly funny.

She makes light of the aging process and shares her experiences with a good dose of humor.

  • “Aging is like a rollercoaster – you go up, you go down, and sometimes you throw up!”
  • “I can’t eat pizza after 10 PM anymore. My stomach be like, ‘Remember me? Yeah, don’t do that!'”
  • “Why do they call it ‘growing older’? I feel like I’m shrinking and deteriorating!”
  • “You know you’re getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping. I woke up like, ‘Why does my neck hurt?'”
  • “I used to be able to party all night. Now I need three days to recover from a party!”
  • “Doctors keep telling me to get more rest. I’m like, ‘Dude, I’m always tired! What more do you want?'”
  • “Turning 50 is fun. People stop caring and just let you be. I can wear socks with sandals and nobody says a word!”
  • “I remember when I could eat anything and not gain weight. Now, I think about cake and gain five pounds!”
  • “Yoga is great for staying fit. Although, half the time I’m just trying not to fart!”
  • “When I was younger, I used to run everywhere. Now, unless there’s a sale or free food, I’m walking!”

Leslie Jones’ Take on Modern Society

Leslie Jones often reflects on the absurdities of modern society with a comedic twist.

Her jokes touch on everything from social media to the dynamics of today’s workplace.

  • “Social media has turned everyone into a show-off. I don’t need to see your avocado toast every morning!”
  • “In my day, you had to actually call someone to talk. Now, people just slide into your DMs like ninjas!”
  • “Why does everybody need to document every meal? We get it, you can cook. Do you need a medal or something?”
  • “Work emails are the worst. Everyone wants to ‘circle back’. Can we just make a decision already?”
  • “I miss the days when being unplugged meant you were just enjoying life, not that your phone died!”
  • “My boss said I need to be more ‘available’. Sorry, I prefer being ‘unavailable’ after 5 PM!”
  • “Online meetings are awkward. Half the time I’m just staring at my own face wondering if I’m real!”
  • “Too many hashtags, not enough meaning. #Stop #Making #Everything #A #Hashtag!”
  • “Remote work is great until you have to explain to your cat why they can’t sit on your keyboard!”
  • “Autocorrect is ruining lives. I meant to say ‘I’m home’, not ‘I’m homeless’. Big difference!”

Travel and Adventure

Leslie’s travel experiences and adventures also provide fertile ground for her humor.

She brings out the chaos and hilarity of traveling with her unique perspective.

  • “Airports are like a zoo – but with worse food!”
  • “Why do they ask if I packed my own bag? Who’s letting strangers pack their bags?”
  • “Lost luggage is like a bad relationship – gone but still causing you stress!”
  • “Traveling in economy class is like sitting in a flying can of sardines!”
  • “The in-flight meal should come with instructions: ‘Open bag, insert junk into your mouth!'”
  • “Why do people clap when the plane lands? It’s like applauding a toaster for making toast!”
  • “Hotels are funny. They charge you for everything! ‘Oxygen fee? Oh, you breathed too hard, that’ll be $20.’”
  • “Tourists are the funniest. Watching them try to speak the local language is like watching a baby learn to walk!”
  • “Everyone’s a photographer now. I just want to see the sights, not your arm in every selfie!”
  • “Why do airlines think it’s okay to charge for a pillow? I’m already paying to sit in this cramped chair!”

Commentary on Work Life

Leslie Jones’s insights on professional life are not only amusing but also incredibly relatable.

Her jokes address common workplace struggles with a humorous yet poignant take.

  • “Why do bosses always say ‘Let’s circle back’? Just tell me what you want!”
  • “Office birthday parties are the worst. No, I don’t want Janet’s homemade cake.”
  • “They say work smarter, not harder. I say, how about just working less?”
  • “Nothing says team bonding like a forced fun day. Let’s not pretend we want to be here!”
  • “Co-workers who steal your lunch should be put in office jail!”
  • “HR training videos are just adult nap time. More boring than watching paint dry!”
  • “Why do we celebrate promotions with a certificate? I can’t pay my bills with a piece of paper!”
  • “Zoom meetings are just another way to make me look busy while doing nothing!”
  • “Why do emails end with ‘Thanks’? We both know we’re not thankful for this pointless chain!”
  • “If I hear ‘take it offline’ one more time, I’m logging off forever!”

Obsessions and Pet Peeves

Leslie’s take on personal obsessions and everyday pet peeves is always spot on.

Whether it’s a minor annoyance or a full-blown obsession, Leslie’s humor brings it to life.

  • “You know what grinds my gears? People who chew loudly. It’s like, did a cow just walk in?”
  • “Obsessed with shoes, but can only wear one pair at a time. Makes no sense!”
  • “People who walk slow in front of me should have a separate lane on the sidewalk!”
  • “Why does waiting in line feel like an eternity? I swear, time moves slower in queues!”
  • “Obsessed with my morning coffee. You speak to me before, you do so at your own risk!”
  • “Pet peeve: Drivers who don’t signal. It’s like, are you playing Mario Kart?”
  • “Getting stuck on hold with customer service is modern-day torture. ‘Your call is important to us.’ Yeah, right!”
  • “Obsessed with my phone but always drop it. Maybe it’s trying to escape!”
  • “People who slap the snooze button are my heroes. Sleep nine more minutes? Yes, please!”
  • “Why do people wear sunglasses indoors? You auditioning for Men in Black?”

Technology and Gadgets

Leslie Jones has a lot to say about technology and gadgets, often blending humor with harsh truths.

Her jokes about modern tech resonate with anyone who’s ever had a tech fail or a gadget obsession.

  • “Smartphones are so smart, they can make you feel dumb!”
  • “Remember when the only gadget you had was a Walkman? Simpler, happier times!”
  • “Voice assistants be like, ‘I didn’t catch that.’ Oh, you didn’t? Well, I didn’t ask you anyway!”
  • “Why does every app need an update? Did I ask you to get smarter? Just work!”
  • “Tech gadgets are addicting. The moment you get one, there’s a better version already available!”
  • “My phone battery lasts three hours, but somehow that still feels like a lifetime!”
  • “Smart homes are cool until they randomly start talking to you in the middle of the night!”
  • “Why does the Wi-Fi only go down when you’re in the middle of something important?!”
  • “New gadgets are like a solution to a problem you didn’t know you had!”
  • “Face recognition fails are hilarious. It’s like, ‘No, phone, that’s me without makeup!'”

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Observations on Pop Culture

Leslie’s takes on pop culture trends and celebrities are both witty and thought-provoking.

Her jokes reflect the eccentricities and craziness of modern-day celebrity culture.

  • “Why do people care about celeb breakups? Like, do you even know these folks personally?”
  • “Awards shows are just fancy parties where rich people give each other trophies!”
  • “Reality TV is neither real nor TV. It’s just drama on a budget!”
  • “Why do people go crazy over celebrity weddings? I can’t afford a wedding cake, much less a wedding!”
  • “Pop stars are always reinventing themselves. How many phases does one person need?”
  • “Throwback Thursday? How about ‘Let’s forget that hairstyle ever happened Thursday!’?”
  • “Celebrity endorsements are funny. Like, did you really drink that energy drink, or just the money?”
  • “Why do we need another superhero movie? Just build a school instead!”
  • “Binge-watching a series is fun until you realize you wasted a whole weekend!”
  • “Celebrities be like, ‘Look at my luxurious life!’ And I’m like, ‘Look at my student loan debt!'”

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Reflections on Everyday Life

Leslie’s observations about everyday life showcase her ability to find humor in the mundane.

Her jokes remind us to laugh at the little things that often go unnoticed.

  • “The best part of waking up is hitting the snooze button five more times!”
  • “Going grocery shopping is like a game of how fast can I get out of here!”
  • “Parking tickets are life’s way of saying, ‘Haha, thought you could park there? Nope!'”
  • “Why do people hate Mondays so much? It’s just another day to be fabulous!”
  • “Laundry day feels like a never-ending cycle. Pun intended!”
  • “Why are product instructions always so confusing? I feel like I need a degree just to assemble a chair!”
  • “Waiting on hold is the worst. ‘Your call is very important to us.’ Yeah, right!”
  • “Why do we always lose one sock in the wash? Is there a sock thief hiding in the laundry room?”
  • “Trying to eat healthily is hard. One salad and I’m already craving a cheeseburger!”
  • “Why do people jog at 5 AM? I’m still trying to summon the energy to get out of bed!”

Leslie’s Hilarious Comments on Parenthood

Parenthood is another rich comedy material for Leslie. Her keen observations make us laugh and think at the same time.

She captures the chaotic yet rewarding experience of parenthood through her jokes.

  • “Kids are like tiny drunk adults. They never listen, always fall over, and can’t hold their liquor!”
  • “Why do kids always know how to embarrass you in public? It’s like they have a sixth sense!”
  • “My kids asked me why they have to go to school. I said, ‘So I can have some peace and quiet!'”
  • “Parenting is just preparing your kids for a world that’s gonna confuse them just as much as it confused you!”
  • “When my kids get sick, I turn into a germaphobe. I’m like, ‘Don’t touch me, tiny plague carrier!'”
  • “Kids are funny. They’ll ask the most random questions at the worst possible times!”
  • “Why do kids think the best time to ask for something is when you’re on the phone?”
  • “You tell your kids to ‘be quiet’ and they hear ‘make all the noise you can!’”
  • “Putting kids to bed is like negotiating with tiny terrorists. There’s always one more story!”
  • “Why do kids think ‘clean your room’ means push everything under the bed?”

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Leslie Jones on Food and Eating Habits

Food is a universal topic, and Leslie’s take on eating habits is both hilarious and relatable.

She brings humor to our everyday relationship with food.

  • “I love food so much, I could be a food critic. But I’d have to eat twice because I forget to write the review!”
  • “Why do healthy foods taste like cardboard? I’m like, ‘No thanks, I’d rather be happy!’”
  • “Don’t get me started on diets. A short trip to hell with no snacks!”
  • “Why do people say ‘You are what you eat’? So if I eat a cake, I’m sweet and irresistible?”
  • “Eating out is an adventure. It’s like gambling with your digestive system!”
  • “Favorite meal of the day? Snack time, of course. Because you don’t need an excuse for snacks!”
  • “Fast food shouldn’t be a guilty pleasure. It’s a quick fix for life’s bad days!”
  • “Why do I keep buying fruits and veggies when I know they’re just gonna rot in the fridge?”
  • “Cooking shows are funny. Like, who’s out here making a five-course meal on a Tuesday?”
  • “Why do we always promise to start dieting on Monday and then Monday never comes?”

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Beauty and Fashion Humor

Leslie’s jokes about beauty and fashion resonate with anyone who has ever struggled with a beauty regime or fashion disaster.

She pokes fun at the lengths we go to look good.

  • “Why does makeup have to be so complicated? I only have one face!”
  • “Heels are a form of torture. I’m like, ‘Can I sit down yet?'”
  • “Why does one size never fit all? More like, one size fits nobody!”
  • “Trying to follow makeup tutorials is like trying to paint a masterpiece with crayons!”
  • “Why do beauty products cost so much? Do they include a magic spell?”
  • “Shopping for clothes is exhausting. I need a nap and a snack just to recover!”
  • “Why do skincare routines have 10 steps? I can barely manage washing my face!”
  • “Fashion trends are funny. One day you’re in, the next you’re tragic!”
  • “Mascara is my enemy. Every time I put it on, I’m one sneeze away from disaster!”
  • “Online shopping is dangerous. You think you’re saving money but end up broke!”

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Leslie Jones on Social Media Struggles

In the age of social media, Leslie’s jokes about the online world are more relevant than ever.

Her humorous insights provide a refreshing take on the social media culture.

  • “Why does everyone feel the need to post pictures of their food? Just eat it!”
  • “Spending hours on social media and still wondering why I’m stressed. Go figure!”
  • “Why do people care about likes? I’d rather care about real life!”
  • “Filtered selfies are hilarious. So, this is what I’d look like as a cartoon character!”
  • “Scrolling through my feed feels like a carousel of chaos!”
  • “Why do people overshare? Keep some mystery in your life!”
  • “Trying to keep up with hashtags is like trying to catch smoke!”
  • “Is it just me, or do influencers make everything look way harder than it is?”
  • “Why does every ‘throwback’ need to be Thursday? Can’t I reminisce on a Tuesday?”
  • “Keeping up with Instagram trends is exhausting. How do these people have so much energy?”

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Final Thoughts on Leslie Jones’ Comedy

Leslie Jones stands out in the comedy scene for her raw and real humor, pulling from her life experiences to deliver unforgettable performances.

Her jokes cover a wide range of topics, each delivered with a punch that leaves you laughing and thinking.

From the trials of parenthood to the quirks of modern society, she has the unique ability to find humor in the most unexpected places.

Her stand-up routines are not just performances but a relatable commentary on the absurdities of life.

For those looking to explore more comedic content, feel free to check out more [silly animal jokes to keep everyone smiling](

Avery Ingram

Avery Ingram


Read more articles by Avery Ingram