Maria Bamford’s Most Hilarious Jokes
Discover the comedic genius of Maria Bamford as we delve into her most hilarious and unforgettable jokes, guaranteed to leave you laughing out loud.
A Peek into Maria Bamford’s Humor
Maria Bamford is an American stand-up comedian and actress known for her unique voice, eclectic delivery, and deeply personal comedy. Her humor often explores her own mental health struggles, relationships, and everyday absurdities, offering laughter while sometimes touching on serious topics.
In her joke about “thunder pills,” Maria skewers the absurdity of pharmaceutical commercials: “I love those drug ads where they have 85 social workers writing all the potential side effects. It’s like the side effects of laughter might include: excessive smile lines, possible friendship development, increased dopamine levels. But Maria Bamford… despite my best efforts, laughter is incurable.”
Another one of her iconic jokes pokes fun at social pressures and family dynamics. She recounts, “I went home to visit my parents, and I’ve noticed they always have their keys in their hand, like they’re about to leave. Do you have any friends like that? I don’t know if it’s because they’re worried about losing their keys or if they just really want to leave the conversation. Maybe they’re just prepared for a quick getaway.”
Maria Bamford has a memorable bit about overly supportive parents. She says, “My mom always tells me, ‘Honey, you know you can always do anything you put your mind to. Anything.’ I’m like, ‘Mom, I want to be a unicorn.’ Maybe enthusiasm should have limits.”
Poking Fun at Mental Health
Maria Bamford’s material often centers around her mental health, bringing levity to serious subjects. In one of her classic jokes, she reveals, “So, I have a new psychiatrist. He’s fantastic. But it’s a little tricky because he’s also my pot dealer.”
She continues, “I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Nothing serious. But, my psychiatrist asked me, ‘Maria, do you hear people calling your name who aren’t there?’ I’m like, ‘Well, only if I’m in a crowd and I hear the word ‘Marzipan.’ Because it sounds really similar, and I’m like, I don’t think they’re calling me, but maybe I smell like almonds. Like marzipan does.'”
- “I went to the psychiatrist to get my personality analyzed. He’s like, ‘Well, I have bad news and good news. The bad news is you have no personality, the good news is this news will finally give you one.”
- “Therapy’s been helpful. My therapist told me to write a letter to the people in my past who’ve upset me, and then burn them. Which worked except for my ex – could have sworn they meant literally.”
- “I think I have a unique form of social anxiety. I can’t make eye contact but I’m really good at ‘saying it’ with jazz hands.”
Family and Relationships
Bamford’s humor about her family brings an honest yet humorous perspective on relationships. She jokes, “Family dinners are not for the faint-hearted. My sister brought over a gluten-free, lactose-free, taste-free cake. Finally, a dessert I don’t have to lie about not liking.”
On relationships, Maria shares candidly, “I was in a relationship where every disagreement escalated. My ex would say, ‘Well, I’ll get you back!’ And I’m like, ‘Great, when will you be back? I’ll have the Netflix queued up.’”
One of her jokes about dating is, “Dating is hard. It’s the ‘getting to know each other’ part that’s tricky. My date asked what my favorite movie was, and I replied, ‘Nancy Drew: The Mystery of the Missing Social Skills.’”
- “My parents said they’ll always love me no matter what. So, in theory, I could be a terrible person. Thanks for that psychological experiment, Mom and Dad.”
- “Being married means compromising. Like agreeing to let go of 50% of your individuality.”
- “I told my husband I needed some space. He replied, ‘Great. Mars or Venus?’”
Life’s Little Absurdities
Maria Bamford has a knack for spotlighting the absurdities of everyday life. One of her jokes goes, “I love people who say they’re ‘breaking out of their comfort zone’. They often end up at a ceramic painting workshop. Comfortably nestled in creativity.”
On food habits, she jokes, “I tried meal prepping once. Lasted a day. Turns out, organizing my appetite is not my forte.”
Bamford quips about technology, “I tried meditating with an app. But it stressed me out trying to unlock the premium calmness. There’s an irony somewhere there.”
- “My dentist told me to floss every day. So now I carry it in my bag. It’s my daily guilt reminder.”
- “I signed up for a spinning class. Now I’m just dizzy with regret.”
- “Trying to be an adult is harder than people make it out to be. It’s like trying to fold a fitted sheet; people act like they know how to do it, but they’re all just pretending.”
- “I love jogging because it gives me time to reflect on important matters, like why I hate jogging.”
- “Modern dating is weird. It’s mostly texting. My boyfriend broke up with me using emojis. He said we were sailboat-wave-crying face-broken heart.”
- “I once tried to use ‘corporate speak’ to make my résumé sound impressive. Now it says I’m an ‘accomplished purification specialist,’ but really I was a pool cleaner.”
- “The office microwave is a battlefield. Whoever heated fish at 11 am is the true office rebel. Can’t we just all agree to use it for popcorn?”
- “I tried to climb the corporate ladder, but the only thing I gained was sore calves from all the metaphorical stair climbing.”
- “I bought a planner to organize my life. It’s mostly filled with the dates I didn’t use it.”
- “I decided to get into yoga, but the meditation part makes me stressed. My mind just won’t stop thinking about how bad I am at meditating.”
- “I tried being a minimalist once. Cleaning out my closet was enlightening. Now I have one shirt and a lot of enlightenment.”
- “My friend’s dog gets more likes on social media than I do. I’m considering getting a tail just to keep up.”
- “Visits to the vet feel like celebrity doctor appointments. ‘Your dog might have a cold, or it could be existential crisis. Either way, that’ll be $300.’”
- “A friend of mine is obsessed with organic food. She’d probably have an existential crisis if she ever saw me enjoying a hot dog.”
- “Awards shows are funny. People get trophies for pretending to be other people, while actual heroes get a day named after them. It’s an interesting contrast.”
- “Cooking shows make things look so easy. Try making a soufflé in a real kitchen, and suddenly there’s flour on the ceiling and existential dread in your heart.”
- “Celebrity diets are always so extreme. ‘I only eat air and sunlight before noon.’ Meanwhile, I’m just here trying to remember if Pop-Tarts count as breakfast food.”
- “I love when therapists ask you to rate your happiness on a scale of 1 to 10. Always tempted to say ‘Pi, because it’s irrational just like my mood swings.'”
- “My therapist suggested mindfulness. Now I’m hyper-aware of how bad I am at being mindful. It’s a mindfulness paradox.”
- “Group therapy is fun. It’s like a book club, but instead of discussing literature, we discuss how our childhoods messed us up.”
- “I got a smart speaker. Now I have an AI assistant that listens to my existential crises.”
- “I tried using a step-counter app. It felt like being micromanaged by my phone. ‘You’ve only taken 300 steps today.’ Yeah, and 250 of those were to the fridge.”
- “I hate when my to-do list starts judging me. ‘Clean the house? Are you sure you’re up for it?'”
- “Got a yoga mat. Now it’s the most expensive bedroom rug I own.”
- “Tried a meditation class but couldn’t stop thinking about how bad I am at meditating. It’s a stress loop.”
- “Fitness goals are great in theory, but my ultimate goal is to binge-watch a series without feeling guilty.”
- “Ever tried helping a kid with homework? It’s like re-taking a math test you failed years ago.”
- “Parenting has taught me patience. Patience to wait until after bedtime to eat my hidden stash of chocolate.”
- “Kids’ TV shows are fun to watch as an adult because you notice all the adult humor cleverly slipped in. It’s like a reward for parenting.”
- “Libraries are peaceful until you drop a book and everyone gives you the ‘death stare.'”
- “I hate public speaking but love eavesdropping in public places. So much free material.”
- “Airplanes are the only place where you pay to be cramped in with strangers. It’s like expensive, airborne public transportation.”
- “My cat loves knocking things off the table. I’m starting to think it’s a metaphor for my life.”
- “Pet stores are fun. They have outfits for pets that are more stylish than my entire wardrobe.”
- “I swear my dog understands English. Just doesn’t want to listen. Like a furry teenager.”
- “Halloween is fun. It’s the only day you can knock on strangers’ doors and demand candy without getting arrested.”
- “Thanksgiving is great because it’s socially acceptable to eat as much as you can and then blame it on being thankful.”
- “Easter egg hunts are confusing. We hide eggs, find them, and then eat them. It’s like a weird culinary scavenger hunt.”
- “Every time I try to eat healthy, a pizza commercial plays on TV. It’s like the universe is testing me.”
- “Cooking shows are misleading. They make everything look so easy. But in real life, you end up with a mess and a kitchen that looks like a food crime scene.”
- “Tried making a fancy dessert once. Now I appreciate bakeries so much more.”
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More Observations on Society
Maria Bamford’s keen observation skills allow her to take mundane societal norms and turn them into comedic gold. She hilariously points out, “Have you ever noticed how people talk about their pets like they’re children? ‘My dog is just like a baby,’ they say. Really? Does your baby sniff other babies in inappropriate places, too?”
Discussing cultural expectations, Maria jokes, “Society tells us to ‘follow our dreams,’ but when I shared my dream of being a professional napper, people just laughed. Maybe they’re jealous of my ambition.”
Her take on social interactions is priceless: “Social media is like high school, but with more pictures of food. And unlike in high school, here I can ‘block’ my bullies with one click.”
Insightful Bits on Work and Career
Maria’s humor also touches on the workplace, shedding light on its often bizarre culture. One of her iconic jokes is, “In corporate jobs, there’s always that one person who communicates only through passive-aggressive sticky notes. ‘Please clean up after yourself’ means, ‘I hate you and everything you stand for.'”
She pokes fun at job interviews, recounting, “In my last job interview, they asked, ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ And I said, ‘Still answering this question in various job interviews.'”
On work-life balance, Maria quips, “People say you should love your job. But I’m like, ‘I love leaving my job at 5 pm. It’s my favorite part of the day.'”
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Quirky Takes on Personal Habits
Maria’s personal habits and self-reflections are equally hilarious. She says, “I have a self-help book collection. It’s a collection of books I’ve helped myself to, and never read.”
Her wisdom extends to procrastination: “I made a to-do list for my day off. Step one was to make a list, and I got so excited I took the rest of the day off.”
When it comes to fitness, Maria is equally humorous. “I joined a gym once, and I hung my membership card in my closet. It still fits, five years later. That’s progress.”
Entertaining Stories About Friends and Pets
Maria also shares hilarious tales about her friends and pets. “My friend has a cat that demands gourmet cat food. If I fed it the same tuna I eat, it’d probably demand to see my manager,” she quips.
About pets and technology, she says, “I tried training my dog with an app, but now he just looks at my phone for treats. It’s safe to say I’ve unleashed a monster.”
Funny observations about her friends continue with, “I have a friend who’s really into astrology. She won’t make decisions without consulting the stars. I told her, ‘You don’t need the stars to tell you not to text your ex.'”
Observations on Pop Culture
Maria’s jokes often touch on pop culture, pointing out its ludicrous aspects. “Everyone’s obsessed with reality TV, but I think watching my neighbor’s cats fight over a sunny spot is more suspenseful,” she remarks.
She riffs on superhero movies: “Superheroes in spandex? If they were real, they’d probably be too self-conscious to fight crime. ‘Hold on, is my cape wrinkled?’”
Discussing social media influencers, she says, “I tried to be an influencer once. My mom liked my post. Thanks, Mom. Didn’t exactly break the internet, but it’s a start.”
Spotlight on Maria Bamford’s Experiences with Therapy
One of the striking aspects of Maria Bamford’s comedy is her candid exploration of therapy sessions. She hilariously shares, “So, I started going to therapy. It’s great except my therapist keeps encouraging me to embrace my emotions. It’s like, ‘Sure, but can we do it without all the crying?'”
She keeps the laughter coming with jokes about therapeutic coping techniques: “My therapist told me to start journaling my feelings. Now I have a diary that’s half inspirational quotes and half random doodles of cats. It’s a mixed success.”
Maria doesn’t shy away from poking fun at the concept of self-care: “I tried those self-care apps, but they stressed me out. One app told me to take a bubble bath, and I ended up flooding my bathroom. Now my self-care is just avoiding that app.”
Quirks of Everyday Life
Maria Bamford’s humor often points out the quirks of everyday life. She jokes, “I love when people say they ‘enjoy the simple things in life’. I enjoy the complicated things. Like explaining taxes and the plot of ‘Inception’.”
On cooking and culinary adventures, Maria quips, “I once tried to cook a fancy meal. After burning everything, I ended up with a gourmet bowl of cereal.”
She also finds humor in the mundane: “Isn’t it weird how we have ‘smart’ everything now? Smartwatches, smart homes. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to be a smart human.”
Maria’s Hilarious Take on Fitness and Wellness
When it comes to fitness and wellness, Maria Bamford’s anecdotes are relatable and laugh-out-loud funny. “I joined a gym with a personal trainer. Now I’m paying someone to make me feel bad about my lack of motivation,” she jests.
She continues, “I took up running to get fit. Now all I do is run away from my responsibilities.”
Her humor extends to dietary trends as well: “I tried a juice cleanse. By day three, I was ready to sacrifice my firstborn for a slice of pizza. Turns out, I like chewing.”
Humorous Parenting Observations
Maria Bamford’s impressions of parenting are sprinkled with humor and sarcasm. She remarks, “Kids are like little negotiation experts. They can convince you that candy is a perfectly acceptable breakfast.”
On parenting advice, she jokes, “People give you advice about parenting like they have it all figured out. Then you realize their kids are eating crayons in the corner.”
Maria doesn’t miss out on the hilarity of school events either: “School plays are fantastic. It’s like watching a rehearsal for a disaster movie.”
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Observations About Public Spaces
Maria’s humor captures the unique experiences of being in public spaces. She shares, “Public restrooms are interesting. There’s always one stall that’s like a horror movie set location.”
On public transportation, she jokes, “If you’ve ever taken the subway, you know it’s a mobile museum of bizarre human behavior.”
She continues with a quip about airports: “Airports are great for people-watching. You see everything from world travelers to people who look like they packed their entire house.”
Funny Pet Observations
Maria often includes her observations about pets in her routines. She jokes, “Pets have it so good. Free food, free rent, and people love them no matter what. If only human relationships worked the same way.”
On pet training, she shares, “I tried training my cat. Now it looks at me like I’m the one who needs training.”
She also has a hilarious take on pet fashion: “I dressed my dog in a cute outfit once. It gave me the look of ‘this better come with a big treat.’”
Maria’s Take on Holidays and Celebrations
Maria Bamford brings her unique humor to holidays and celebrations. She jokes, “I love Christmas. It’s that special time of year when my family argues about how to cook the turkey.”
On Valentine’s Day, she quips, “Nothing says true love like panicking to find a last-minute gift because you forgot the date.”
She also comments on New Year’s resolutions: “Every year, I resolve to get fit. By January 2nd, I resolve to love myself just the way I am.”
Entertaining Musings on Food
One can’t miss Maria’s jokes about food. She shares, “I once tried to follow a recipe but ended up improvising with whatever I found in the fridge. Let’s just say, it was an unplanned ‘interesting’ meal.”
On food fads, Maria jokes, “Tried a vegan diet once. Lasted until I walked past a steakhouse. Turns out, I’m a much happier carnivore.”
Her food habits extend to ordering takeout: “I told myself I’d only order takeout once a week. Now it’s a daily debate with my bank account.”
Maria Bamford’s jokes offer a fantastic blend of relatability and originality, touching on various aspects of life with humor and wit. Whether she’s discussing therapy, fitness, pets, or holidays, her unique perspective brings laughter and insight, making her one of today’s truly remarkable comedians.
