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Phyllis Diller’s Sharpest One-Liner Jokes

Discover the wit and humor of comedy legend Phyllis Diller through her most iconic one-liner jokes that continue to bring laughter and joy.

A retro comedy club stage inspired by the mid 20th century, with an unattended microphone stand spotlighted against a red velvet curtain. Featuring the whip of a feather boa draped casually over the mic stand, and an oversized prop faux pearl necklace across the stage for a touch of flamboyant style. Without human presence, but with a spotlight finding its mark and a gentle glow highlighting the vacant wooden stool waiting for the comedian. The atmosphere brings to mind the wit, sass and confident charisma of mid-century female comedians.

The Legacy of Phyllis Diller’s Comedy

Phyllis Diller was a trailblazer in the world of comedy, known for her eccentric, self-deprecating humor and one-liner jokes that left audiences in stitches.

Her unique style and sharp wit made her one of the most memorable comics of her time.

Classic One-Liner Jokes by Phyllis Diller

Diller’s one-liners are timeless, filled with humor that still resonates today. Here are some of her best jokes:

  • “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
  • “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
  • “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
  • “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
  • “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”
  • “We had far too many kids in my family. It would take my mother two hours to run through all our names. Finally, she’d just yell, ‘F. E. R. Dinand!’ and we’d all come running.”
  • “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”
  • “The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.”
  • “Tranquilizers work only if you follow the instructions on the bottle – keep away from children.”
  • “My photographs don’t do me justice – they look just like me.”
  • “You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.”
  • “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
  • “His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”
  • “My husband’s idea of a night out is a good night’s sleep.”
  • “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
  • “We had such a wonderful mother; she used to wash us out at night and hang us up to dry.”
  • “My husband moved us 28 times – we were picking up and moving before we were even married.”
  • “My husband’s idea of home improvement is to grow grass through the floorboards of the car.”
  • “I once wore a peekaboo shirt. People would peek and then they’d boo.”

More Hilarious Phyllis Diller Jokes

Phyllis Diller had a knack for turning everyday situations into comedic gold. Here are more of her unforgettable jokes:

  • “I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”
  • “Fang’s idea of a marathon is watching four games of football in a row.”
  • “Fang says he’d like to have sex three times a week – I’ll settle for doing it with him once.”
  • “The only thing my husband works on all summer is his tan.”
  • “My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.”
  • “I admit, I have a terrible temper. But when I get mad, I complete a full day’s work in 10 minutes.”
  • “Fang’s idea of a message is blinking the porch light.”
  • “I remember when it cost a quarter to get into the theater – and it was all the money we had.”
  • “What I don’t like about older men is that they all sound like radios with the batteries going dead.”
  • “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
  • “I once wore a peek-a-boo blouse. I could have been arrested for indecent exposure.”
  • “In the men’s magazines, they flaunt the face and figure – and say nothing about the brain.”
  • “Phyllis Diller: lampooner of motherhood, scorner of the housewife.”
  • “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
  • “My husband bought me a mink coat at a very young age. He was young; the coat was old.”
  • “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next morning”
  • “We had a great childhood. We were poor, but we had everything…”
  • “My cooking is so bad my kids thought peanut butter was my home-made taffy.”
  • “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

Endless Laughter with Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller’s comedy not only brought joy and laughter but also inspired many aspiring comedians.

Her ability to turn mundane aspects of life into hilarious anecdotes ensured her place in the pantheon of comedy legends.

For more family-friendly jokes, you might enjoy these classic knock-knock jokes.

If you’re in the mood for more funny moments, check out these incredible silly animal jokes.

Or give a head start on your day with some hilarity with these bird jokes.

Timeless Wit from Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller’s humor transcends generations, and her one-liners are a testament to her incredible wit. Let’s dive into more of her classic jokes:

  • “I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago, it was grass’.”
  • “You know you’re getting old when your liver spots show through your gloves.”
  • “My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t come back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”
  • “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
  • “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
  • “My husband’s favorite dish is chicken! WD-40, 30 weight.”
  • “I spent seven hours last night deploying a cleaning product… it didn’t work, but now my house is very well informed.”
  • “My husband’s idea of channel surfing is to open a beer and watch three football games at once.”
  • “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
  • “I once wore a peek-a-boo skirt, but nobody peeked.”
  • “My husband is so lazy that if he woke up with nothing to do today, he’d go to bed with it half-done.”
  • “You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.”
  • “The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
  • “My husband calls it wrestling. I call it cleaning out his closet.”
  • “When I told my father I was going into stand-up, he said, ‘Don’t stand up for too long’.”
  • “I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.”

Phyllis Diller’s Hilarious Observations on Everyday Life

One of the reasons Phyllis Diller resonated with so many people was her keen ability to find humor in everyday situations. Here are some of her memorable observations:

  • “Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.”
  • “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.”
  • “I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago, it was grass’.”
  • “My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.”
  • “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
  • “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
  • “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
  • “Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
  • “My husband’s idea of home improvement is to grow grass through the floorboards of the car.”
  • “The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
  • “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
  • “My cooking is so bad my kids thought peanut butter was my home-made taffy.”
  • “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
  • “We had far too many kids in my family. It would take my mother two hours to run through all our names. Finally, she’d just yell, ‘F. E. R. Dinand!’ and we’d all come running.”
  • “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”
  • “Tranquilizers work only if you follow the instructions on the bottle – keep away from children.”
  • “My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t come back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”
  • “The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.”

The Impact of Phyllis Diller’s Comedy Style

Phyllis Diller’s groundbreaking style revolutionized comedy, especially for women, by proving they could be just as funny and edgy as their male counterparts.

Her self-deprecating humor and focus on relatable topics like marriage, motherhood, and household chores made her a beloved figure in the comedy world.

If you enjoyed these light-hearted quips, you might like these classic chicken jokes.

Unforgettable Zingers from Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller’s ability to deliver quick-witted, unforgettable zingers is what made her stand out as a comedy legend. Let’s relish more of her sharp one-liners:

  • “I never made ‘Who’s Who’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’.”
  • “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
  • “The reason I feel young is because I wasn’t here a hundred years ago.”
  • “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
  • “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
  • “I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”
  • “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
  • “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
  • “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”
  • “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”
  • “My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.”
  • “Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
  • “My cooking is so bad my kids thought peanut butter was my home-made taffy.”
  • “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
  • “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
  • “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
  • “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
  • “My husband’s idea of a night out is a good night’s sleep.”
  • “My house was so dusty that the mice wore dust masks.”
  • “We had a great childhood. We were poor, but we had everything…”
  • “The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.”
  • “My photographs don’t do me justice – they look just like me.”
  • “You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.”
  • “The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
  • “I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago, it was grass’.”

Inspirations from Phyllis Diller’s Life and Career

Not only did Phyllis Diller leave us with countless memories of laughter, but she also provided invaluable inspiration for future generations of comedians.

Many comedians credit her for breaking down barriers for women in comedy and paving the way with her daring humor and unforgettable lines.

If you’re searching for some more light-hearted laughter, check out these funny food jokes.

Or how about laughing along with these hilarious weather jokes on rainy days.

For some animal-themed laughs, don’t miss these playful cat jokes.

Avery Ingram

Avery Ingram

Contributor

Read more articles by Avery Ingram