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Whoopi Goldberg’s Funniest Comedy Jokes

Discover the wit and humor of Whoopi Goldberg as we dive into some of her funniest and most memorable comedy jokes, showcasing her unique style and timeless appeal.

A light-hearted scene capturing the essence of comedy without featuring any individuals. Visual elements include a traditional wooden stand-up comedy stage with a vintage microphone, a spotlight illuminating the empty stage, a brick wall backdrop, laughter-inducing props such as a colourful jester's hat, a whoopee cushion, and a rubber chicken. There are no brand logos, text, or people present in the scene.

Overview of Whoopi Goldberg’s Comedy Style

Whoopi Goldberg is renowned for her sharp wit and unique comedic timing.

Her humor often addresses social issues, personal anecdotes, and everyday observations, offering a blend of humor and insight.

Whoopi’s delivery is conversational, making her jokes feel like a chat with a close friend.

Breaking Down Her Funniest Jokes

Whoopi Goldberg’s comedic genius lies in her ability to tackle various subjects. Below is a compilation of some of her funniest and most memorable jokes:

  • “I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.”
  • “Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.”
  • “When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
  • “In college, I would just disappear. I wouldn’t say anyone’s name for like, two weeks.”
  • “Everybody’s love is deep and pure and if you find somebody to go through life with, then you are indeed blessed.”
  • “If you know someone who loves to annoy you, it just means they love you.”
  • “I think the best way to get people to laugh is to tell them the truth.”
  • “I am where I am because I believe in all possibilities.”
  • “I don’t have a day job, so I read a lot.”
  • “I don’t believe in just ordering people to do things. You’ve got to sort of grab an oar and row with them.”

More Hilarious Quotes from Whoopi Goldberg

These jokes and observations from Whoopi Goldberg continue to highlight her comedic genius:

  • “An actress can only play a woman. I’m an actor, I can play anything.”
  • “I don’t look like Halle Berry. But chances are that you don’t look like Tom Cruise. Let’s be realistic.”
  • “We got more problems than we need, so we’re gonna make ’em go away by laughing.”
  • “I am the American Dream. I am the epitome of what the American Dream basically said.”
  • “Sometimes, you have to go through things to get to where you are.”
  • “If you want to shoot people, you better be ready to get shot.”
  • “You look at Michael Jackson quite differently from everybody else.”
  • “Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.”
  • “I always thought my playing style was magic.”
  • “When you are comfortable, you don’t care about anything.”

Whoopi Goldberg’s Anecdotal Humor

Whoopi Goldberg excels at weaving personal anecdotes into her comedy. Here are some memorable quotes:

  • “My driving was retrieved on a horse and buggy by my grandmother.”
  • “When people say they want to massage me with their hot rocks, I think ‘what, really? Just hit me with your rocks then!'”
  • “Hair’s like half-stick of buttah, you just got to learn to mold it.”
  • “I got my own back.”
  • “And that’s the thing: you don’t always have to look good.”
  • “You just have to get to a point where you don’t need anyone.”
  • “It’s amazing how many different ways cauliflower can be cooked.”
  • “I like the TV because you can turn it off.”
  • “Confidence can be valuable. It makes you more productive.”
  • “Being a woman is all about patience and tolerance.”

Relatability in Everyday Situations

A hallmark of Whoopi Goldberg’s humor is its relatability. She turns everyday situations into comedic gold:

  • “Hand me that,” says somebody. I hand it to them. “See, it’s all about intention.”
  • “The whole concept of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is a little confusing to me.”
  • “I think the truth is about healing.”
  • “I want to write a book that explains math for ‘average’ people.”
  • “Anything that I can pay off, I don’t worry about.”
  • “I just go with the flow. I take good advice.”
  • “I give people the same advice, but it works for them and not for me.”
  • “I wanted to say things that people could understand.”
  • “I like being understood.”
  • “Please don’t tell me that your washing machine knows boundaries.”

How Whoopi Goldberg Leveraged Props in Her Comedy

Another facet of Whoopi Goldberg’s humor involves her clever use of everyday props. She often draws humor from the simplest objects:

  • “I used to have a lot of useless stuff lying around. Now I have CDs and DVDs I can’t even play.”
  • “You can’t make star coffee with a paper filter.”
  • “My computer kept crashing so now I use it as a high-tech paperweight.”
  • “I bought a smart TV but all it does is make me feel dumb.”
  • “Boomerang pillows are the best invention ever!”

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The Impact of Whoopi Goldberg’s Comedy

Whoopi Goldberg’s comedy has left an indelible mark on the entertainment world. Her jokes resonate with diverse audiences, bridging gaps and fostering laughter.

If you enjoy humor that touches on family dynamics, you might also like jokes that focus on bringing the family together.

More Classic Whoopi Goldberg Humor

Whoopi Goldberg’s humor spans a wide array of topics, showcasing her versatility as a comedian. Here are some more hilarious quotes:

  • “I went to the doctor for a diagnosis; he told me I was just lazy. I said, ‘Give me the medical term, Doc, so I can use it around the house.’
  • “Someone told me laughter is the best medicine. Now when I go to bed, I simply watch comedies and skip my meds.”
  • “I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”
  • “Talking to yourself might be weird, but when you start giving yourself instructions, it’s almost normal.”
  • “I’ve learned that my driving style can be described as, ‘I’m sorry, did you want to go somewhere today?'”
  • “My beauty is in my heart, not my hairline. This is what I tell myself every time I get a bad haircut.”
  • “Wouldn’t it be great if a clapper could turn off my bad days like it does my lights?”
  • “I believe in love. I also believe in keeping chocolate close by just in case love doesn’t believe in me.”
  • “Skipping gym classes should earn you extra credit. I mean, mental health is important too, right?”
  • “If the shoe doesn’t fit, just wear flip-flops. Life’s too short for uncomfortable footwear.”

Exploring Social Issues Through Humor

Whoopi Goldberg tackles social issues with a blend of humor and sensitivity, making her observations both entertaining and thought-provoking:

  • “The future depends on what you do today, which is why I’m binge-watching today and hoping for a productive tomorrow.”
  • “When they say ‘long-term plans,’ I assume they mean what’s for dinner next week.”
  • “They say money can’t buy happiness, but I’ve never been sad in a room filled with pizza.”
  • “In America, anyone can become President. That’s one of the risks you take when you move here.”
  • “The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.”
  • “I see what’s happening out there; we’re all just trying to avoid whoever doesn’t agree with us.”
  • “If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you.”
  • “Why is it the biggest tolerance debates happen between the least tolerant people?”
  • “Laugh it off, they say. But some days, I think my laugh might need some practice.”
  • “You don’t have to be a comedian to find humor in this crazy world. Just look around.”

Whoopi Goldberg on Relationships and Love

Whoopi Goldberg’s take on relationships is as humorous as it is honest:

  • “I’m not single. I’m romantically challenged.”
  • “Marriages come and go, but friends are forever. Unless they owe you money.”
  • “When you love someone, you should act like you love someone.”
  • “Nobody ever tells you that you’re going to be okay after a breakup. So I just tell myself.”
  • “Honesty is the best policy, except for when it’s about your partner’s cooking.”
  • “People who know you best make the best jokes about you. Be sure to laugh.”
  • “If you can love, you should love fully. Just make sure you know how to laugh too.”
  • “Relationships are a lot like a comedy show; sometimes, you’re laughing, sometimes you’re crying.”
  • “Keeping secrets in a relationship is only fun if you’re planning a secret party.”
  • “If you want a relationship to work, you have to work at it. And also laugh about it.”

Jokes About Family and Growing Up

Whoopi’s jokes about family and growing up are especially relatable:

  • “Family is like fudge; mostly sweet with a few nuts.”
  • “Growing up, I was such a know-it-all. My family let me know it too.”
  • “I knew I was an adult when I stopped asking for permission and just asked for forgiveness.”
  • “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”
  • “I didn’t hate school. I just liked ’recess’ and ‘lunch’ better.”
  • “Family gatherings are all fun and games until someone brings up politics.”
  • “My siblings were my first friends and my first enemies.”
  • “Outgrowing family traditions is fine because then you can start your own.”
  • “No one in my family ever seems to listen to each other, but we all know each other’s business.”
  • “I loved my freedom growing up, that’s probably why my mom kept me on a short leash.”

Exploring the Benefits of Boomerang Pillows

In one of her jokes, Whoopi mentions the boomerang pillow. If you haven’t heard of a boomerang pillow, it’s designed to provide additional support while you sleep:

People often say these pillows help alleviate neck and shoulder pain by aligning the spine correctly.

The shape allows for cuddling and makes it a great choice for pregnant women or anyone needing extra sleeping support.

Reviewers rave about the boomerang pillow’s comfort, noting that it improves sleep quality and reduces tossing and turning.


  • Excellent neck and shoulder support.
  • Versatile and can be used for different sleeping positions.
  • Highly recommended for post-surgery recovery.


  • Can be difficult to find pillowcases that fit.
  • Some users may find it bulky.
  • A bit pricier compared to typical pillows.

If you ever find yourself looking for a way to enhance your sleep, a boomerang pillow might be something to consider. They are well-loved for their comfort and functionality.

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Timeless Humor from Whoopi Goldberg

Whoopi Goldberg’s timeless humor often leaves fans in stitches, with jokes that seem to resonate with everyone:

  • “I told my therapist I was hearing voices. He told me I was consciously coupling.”
  • “Take a break from reality. You’ll find yourself curly-haired and well-rested.”
  • “I don’t need a therapist. I have my hairdresser.”
  • “No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until you come home and rest your feet.”
  • “I have a photographic memory. But it’s out of film.”
  • “I thought growing up would be all about glitz. Turns out it’s mostly about bills and sleep.”
  • “Growing up, I learned to stay out of grown-up conversations. Now, I insist on taking part.”
  • “Patience is a virtue. Unless you’re in a hurry.”
  • “Everyone has a vice. Mine’s cake.”
  • “Why do we always wait for the funky key change before we start dancing?”

Exploring More Behind Whoopi’s Comedy

Whoopi’s humor isn’t just limited to jokes; it’s also her unique perspective on life that draws people in:

  • “I’ve decided I’m no longer going to work for recognition. I’m going to work for service.”
  • “I find brilliance in the grocery store aisle. There is always a deal on something I didn’t know I needed.”
  • “Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure can buy a great meal.”
  • “The true sign of a spirited person? Laughter during life’s downtime.”
  • “They say trust is earned. I say it can also be bartered for a good cup of coffee.”
  • “If I had a dollar for every time I’ve promised to start my diet tomorrow, I’d be rich.”
  • “Never depend on technology. It will fail you the moment you need it most.”
  • “We are all dreamers. The trick is making your dreams pay off.”
  • “In relationships, your closest friends will likely know you best. They’ll laugh at your worst jokes.”
  • “True beauty, I believe, is in how you treat those who cannot do anything for you.”

Practical and Fun Products

One of the great things about Whoopi is how she finds humor in everyday products. If you’re looking for a practical and fun addition to your home, consider a smart coffee maker:

These gadgets have gained popularity over the years for making your morning routine a breeze.

Many people find that a coffee maker with a grinder or a scheduling feature saves them time and makes mornings much easier.

Reviewers often mention how customizable these smart coffee makers are, allowing you to brew your coffee just the way you like it with minimal effort.


  • Customizable brewing options for different coffee preferences.
  • Convenient scheduling features to have coffee ready when you wake up.
  • Builtin grinders for freshly ground coffee beans.


  • Some models can be quite pricey.
  • Additional features might have a learning curve.
  • Requires regular maintenance to ensure longevity.

A smart coffee maker could turn out to be a game-changer for your daily routine. Nothing beats waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

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Iconic Whoopi Goldberg Quotes

Whoopi has left us with so many funny lines and observations. Here are some more iconic quotes that have stood the test of time:

  • “If we aren’t supposed to eat late at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”
  • “I’m tired of following my dreams. I’ll just ask them where they’re going and meet up with them later.”
  • “I believe we’re all born with humor, it just gets squeezed out by time.”
  • “One moment you’re young and the next you’re figure skating in the frozen foods aisle.”
  • “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
  • “Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I say, ‘Hey, who’s been drinking my water?'”
  • “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
  • “Reading a book is like being in a relationship. You spend time with it, understand it, and sometimes, you just need to take a break.”
  • “There are two types of people in the world. Those who love math and those who feel slightly irritated by those who love math.”
  • “People say I’m lazy. I say I’m on energy-saving mode.”

The Versatility of Whoopi’s Comedy

We’ve talked a lot about Whoopi Goldberg’s humor, but let’s not forget just how versatile she is. In addition to her jokes, she’s a fantastic actress and has penned several books

Whoopi’s enduring appeal allows her to connect with audiences on multiple levels, whether they’re binge-watching her on TV or reading her latest work.

Considering her diverse talents, she remains a constant source of inspiration and laughter for many.

Where to Find More of Whoopi Goldberg’s Jokes

If you’re looking for more jokes and quotes from Whoopi Goldberg, you’re in luck. Her work spans decades and includes comedy specials, books, and interviews:

One excellent source of her work is her books, where you can find a treasure trove of her humor and wisdom condensed into delightful chapters.

Additionally, platforms like Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Hulu have a wide selection of her comedy specials and movies. So grab some popcorn, settle in, and prepare for a night filled with laughter and insight.

If you enjoy humor that delves into different topics, check out jokes featuring technology and geek culture.

Avery Ingram

Avery Ingram


Read more articles by Avery Ingram