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Eddie Murphy’s Funniest Stand-Up Jokes

Discover Eddie Murphy’s most hilarious stand-up jokes that have left audiences in stitches for years, showcasing his unique humor and timeless wit.

An abstract representation of humor, showcased as an impression of a comedy show stage. There's a stand-up comedy microphone on the stage, highlighted against a dimmed room ambiance, with vibrant colored light beams falling on it, symbolizing the energetic performance. The silhouette of laughter clouds floating around in the crowd, indicating the humor spread by the stand-up jokes. No people, brands, or text are visible in the scene.

Introduction to Eddie Murphy’s Stand-Up Legacy

Eddie Murphy is a household name when it comes to comedy. His stand-up routines from the ’80s remain timeless pieces of humor that still tickle ribs to this day.

From his impeccable timing to his knack for storytelling, Murphy’s work on stage is a masterclass in comedy.

Let’s dive into some of his funniest stand-up jokes and relive the laughter.

Jokes from “Delirious” That Still Crack Us Up

Murphy’s “Delirious” is a treasure trove of some of the funniest jokes in stand-up history. Here’s a collection of his standout bits:

  • “Have you ever been around somebody that was just so nice, it made you jump? Nice people make me nervous!”
  • “Ice cream! You can get an ice cream… and you can’t afford it, because there’s only four of you. One ice cream, come on kids, share it.”
  • “My mother would hit you with a shoe, anything she could get her hand on. ‘Go get me something to beat your behind with!’ Lay on your belly and try to twist and turn and mama can’t get a good shot.”
  • “I’m gonna tell you the best thing I did when I was six. I mixed Kool-Aid without putting any sugar in it. Tasted like ‘sour’!”
  • “Grandma was always into church. She’d go to church seven days a week like it was a job! ‘Why isn’t there any pictures of dragons in the Bible?'”
  • “Wouldn’t it be nice to call someone to just come and clean up your mess? You drop shit on the floor – pick it up. You don’t – you gotta clean up that shit yourself.”
  • “Michael Jackson is coming over your house? No! I don’t want him over here touching my kids and my monkey…'”
  • “Goonie goo-goo. You know what a Goonie Goo Goo is, Gus? I don’t know either!”
  • “Giuseppe, kongoline pepperoni mangolino! I speak perfect Italian! It has no errors whatsoever!”
  • “African bush women walking around with bones in their noses and plates in their lips. This crazy white man.”

Funny Bits from “Raw”

“Raw” took Eddie Murphy’s comedic brilliance to new heights. Here are some of the memorable jokes from the special:

  • “Girlfriend called me up and said, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over there. Nobody was home!”
  • “Women came up with the term ‘platonic’ because our platonic, every man’s notch just wanna bang you! That’s it! They memorize all your guy-friends!”
  • “Bill Cosby called me up and chewed me out about my kids. I said to him, ‘Have a Coke and a smile and shut the f— up!'”
  • “My wife wants a picnic in the bedroom. She had me running through the house with whipped cream like an idiot!”
  • “Remember the first lie we told? It’s always about ‘nothing.’ It’s never ‘big’ enough. Lie about cheatin’. No? ‘Nothin.’ You think I’m the biggest idiot, I was doing ‘nothin.'”
  • “Women know if they are in a good relationship, they always test men out. ‘Let me see if his ass loves me. I know women!’ Then they say, ‘Guess what?’ And we say, ‘What?’ ‘I…love…you.’ The guy should say ‘thank you.'”
  • “Eddie, what’s happening? Oh – a test – I’m in love with a goat! Do you like goats? Ah! Tell me – that’s love and that’s real love!”
  • “If you lose your sense of humor, get out of comedy. Period. You can’t do this and lose the ability to laugh at yourself.”
  • “Wanted a cookie. You know, in the middle of the night – cookie time! Walk downstairs in your pajamas. I’m looking forward to my cookie.”
  • “White people walk different than black people. White people walk like this (walks rapidly) and then black people walk like this (walks slowly)”

Unexpectedly Hilarious Throwaway Lines

Murphy’s comedy includes some seemingly off-the-cuff lines that have become fan favorites over the years. Let’s take a look at these gems:

  • “My father instilled discipline in a way that I instilled discipline with my kids. With words. And if words don’t work, then I use my belt.”
  • “Everybody know who Mr. T is, right? He’s big, he’s black, I pity the fool! That guy! And the problem is that if you don’t fake it, Mr. T’s still scary.”
  • “Gina and I used to play house – it got a little inappropriate after a while. ‘Mama, I’m going to work!’ ‘No, you’re not!’ ‘Yes, I will!’
  • “I’m a jungle bunny, you a jungle bunny – let’s all make jungle bunny love!”
  • “Me getting beat up was a regular thing. It all started when I was seven and a kid kept calling me black. So I got beat up.”
  • “Eddie, I’mma tell you to lay off the drugs. Coke is a great drug. It makes you think you can fight and that you are the baddest person in the world!”
  • “In my family, we was poor – everyone was poor. I had a tricycle but I rode that tricycle like it was a damn Harley Davidson!”
  • “I’m a lion and my rear end sits flat…”
  • “I couldn’t even afford good cereal. My kids eating Corn Flakes. I had to wait till they left and put sugar on ’em to make ’em Frosted Flakes.”
  • “Women are great, man; women are sensitive, they got intuition… They ain’t even gotta listen to what nothing is. You just stand there and look at them like I used to do.”

Memorable Characters and Impersonations

Eddie Murphy’s stand-up routines were also famous for his memorable characters and spot-on impersonations. Let’s dive into some of these iconic moments:

  • “Remember when you were little, and the ice cream man came by your house, and you heard the ice cream truck song? ‘I got ice cream, I got ice cream!’ And then you realized you had no money!”
  • “My father would get drunk, come home, and be mad at everybody. ‘Who drank my apple juice? Who? I’m gonna kill everybody in this house!'”
  • “I got Chinese food poisoning once. The worst. I was like, ‘Eat the damn lettuce! Eat the lettuce!’ and my stomach was hurting and I heard, ‘Eddie, I’mma get you!’”
  • “Mr. T call himself scaring me one day, talking about, ‘Eddie! Bring your ass here! I’mma tell you to lay off the jokes, fool!’ I was like, ‘What? Okay, Mr. T, no problem!'”
  • “Bill Cosby called me up. This is not funny, but it is funny. Called me up and chewed me out about my language. I said, ‘Bill, eat a pudding pop and relax!'”
  • “Remember Buckwheat on ‘Little Rascals’? ‘O-tay!’ When I did Buckwheat, everyone went crazy. Buckwheat was my favorite character growing up.”
  • “James Brown was like a god to me. I loved doing the James Brown impression. ‘Huh! I feel good!’ And then I got to meet him. He was a short little guy!”
  • “Richard Pryor was my idol. His storytelling was unmatched. When I did my Pryor impression, it was like my tribute to the man.”
  • “Elvis Presley had those moves, right? But he didn’t really sing. He mumbled. ‘You ain’t nothing but a hound dog!’ And everyone loved him!”
  • “When doing Stevie Wonder’s ‘Songs in the Key of Life,’ I always tried to get his voice just right. ‘Isn’t she lovely…’ People would laugh so hard!”

Insights into Family Life and Growing Up

A lot of Eddie Murphy’s humor comes from his childhood experiences and family dynamics. Here are some of his most relatable and funny takes on family life:

  • “My mother always knew how to embarrass me. She’d beat me in public! I’d be like, ‘Oh, no, not the mall, mom, not the mall!’ And she’d whip out that belt and whoop me right there!”
  • “You ever have a family barbeque, and your drunk uncle shows up? ‘Eddie! Come here, boy! Let me teach you how to fish!’, Uncle, we’re at a barbeque, put the pole away!”
  • “I’m the youngest of eight kids. When you’re the youngest, you get all the hand-me-downs. I was wearing girl clothes to school because my sister outgrew them!”
  • “Going to the grocery store with moms was the worst. She’d leave me in the toy aisle and forget about me. ‘Mom! Mom! I’m still in the toy section!'”
  • “Only rich kids had breakfast like bacon, eggs, and pancakes. My mom gave us grits. I ain’t know what grits were till I moved out!”
  • “Going to church every Sunday was a must. And I’m telling you, my grandma would make me sit in the front row. ‘Eddie, sit up straight!'”
  • “You know you’re poor when you have to rent your clothes. We had to rent-a-centercar! ‘Look, you wear it five times and then return it!’”
  • “My dad was old school. ‘You speak when spoken to!’ And I never understood that till I had my kids. Speak when spoken to? That means you shut up until I talk to you!”
  • “The first time my family got a color TV, man, we were like, ‘Whoa, this is what white people see! Colors! Blue, green! Man, look at that!'”
  • “Remember the first time your parents caught you lying? ‘Eddie, did you break that vase?’ And I was like, ‘Uh-uh, no, mommy.’ But moms always know! ‘You’re lying!’”

Observations About Daily Life

Murphy’s humor often involves sharp observations about daily life and society. Here are some of his best lines:

  • “Going to school was like a battlefield. ‘Kids calling me names, bullying me, and the teacher? She didn’t care.’ Teachers were like, ‘Eddie, sit down and shut up!’”
  • “Ever lost your keys and search for them while holding them in your hand? Yeah, that’s me, every morning. ‘Where are my keys?’ Oh, in my hand!'”
  • “Remember the ice cream truck? It was the best. Until you had no money. You’re standing there drooling and all you hear is, ‘No money, no ice cream, kid!’”
  • “I used to think everything had to be perfect until I realized perfection is boring. ‘Messy is where the fun is! A little chaos makes life exciting.’”
  • “Being stuck in traffic is the worst. ‘You sit there, bumper to bumper, cursing the driver in front of you, and they can’t hear a thing you’re saying!'”
  • “Why do people keep talking to you even if you have your headphones on? Headphones on equals I don’t want to talk right now! But people don’t get it. ‘Hey, Eddie!’ What? I’m busy!’”
  • “Ever tried dieting? Right, it’s like a constant state of being hungry and angry! ‘I’ll have a salad.’ No, I want a burger and fries!’”
  • “Going to the gym is like a fashion show now. Everyone’s got the gear, the water bottles, and the sneakers. But are they working out? Nope, selfies all day!”
  • “Online shopping is dangerous. ‘You think you’re buying one thing, and next thing, you have ten boxes at your door!’ And half of them? You don’t even need!”
  • “Airports, man, they are the worst. ‘Take off your shoes, belt, and jacket!’ By the time you’re through security, you feel like you’re stripped down to nothing!”

Movie References That Double as Stand-Up Jokes

In his stand-up routines, Murphy often incorporated jokes about movies and celebrity culture. Here are some unforgettable bits:

  • “Rocky Balboa was everyone’s favorite underdog. But come on, no way Rocky beats up Apollo Creed! Never!”
  • “I love Star Wars. Remember Darth Vader? He was scary but sounded like the guy from CNN! ‘Luke, I am your father!’ You can’t take him serious after that!”
  • “Bond movies were the best. ‘James Bond always had the perfect gadgets and the perfect girls. And he never got caught! How?’”
  • “Remember Jaws? That movie had everyone scared to go in the water. But, come on, a shark that only eats people? Really? What about some fish?”
  • “Back to the Future was great. But if you could go back in time, you’re telling me you wouldn’t change anything? Please, I’d fix all my mistakes!”
  • “In Batman, why does nobody recognize Bruce Wayne is Batman? Just put two and two together, people! Get it together, Gotham!”
  • “The Godfather is a classic, but come on, real mafia families laugh at that. ‘We ain’t that glamorous!’ They are just normal folks.”
  • “Remember Ghostbusters? ‘Who you gonna call?’ It was funny but man, those ghosts were scary. I couldn’t sleep for days!”
  • “In Jurassic Park, did no one think a dinosaur park was a bad idea? Dinosaurs and humans don’t mix! Why did it take so long to figure that out?”
  • “Die Hard with Bruce Willis was great. But why ‘Die Hard’? Just call the cops, man; get some backup!”

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Besides movies, Eddie Murphy’s comedy is laced with impressions of popular culture figures. Here are some standout bits that still make us laugh:

  • “Eddie doing Stevie Wonder is legendary. ‘Isn’t she lovely?’ and the crowd goes wild because he nails it every time!”
  • “Doing a Richard Pryor impression isn’t easy, but when Eddie does it, you can’t help but laugh. ‘You know what I’m sayin’?’ and it hits the mark every damn time!”
  • “His Elvis Presley impersonation is great. ‘Thank you, thank you very much!’ And the crowd can’t stop laughing because it’s spot on!”
  • “When Murphy does Clint Eastwood, the grizzled look and tone are perfect. ‘Go ahead, make my day,’ and everyone in the room is in stitches!”
  • “The Michael Jackson bits are classics. ‘Hee-hee!’ and the moonwalk. Eddie just gets it, you know?”
  • “He does a perfect imitation of Bill Cosby. ‘Look, Rudy, you can’t go…you get pudding…’ It cracks us up every single time!”
  • “Eddie’s impression of Jerry Lewis is hysterical. ‘Hey, lady!’ and you’re instantly back in a Lewis movie!”
  • “Doing James Brown is tough, but Murphy nails it with ‘I feel good!’ Then he twirls and struts on stage. Classic stuff!”
  • “His ‘Mr. T’ is so funny. ‘I pity the fool!’ and it’s like Mr. T is right there on stage! So authentic!”
  • “When Eddie does Jesse Jackson, it’s on point. ‘Keep hope alive!’ and it’s the exact voice. Everyone’s jaw drops!”

Icons and Legends He Pays Tribute To

It’s undeniable that Eddie Murphy has a touch of genius when it comes to paying tribute to icons and legends in his comedy. Here are some memorable quotes:

  • “Richard Pryor is my hero. When he did that skit about the drunk falling off the horse, ‘I’m okay!’ I felt it. Pryor’s the man!”
  • “Muhammad Ali, what a legend. ‘Float like a butterfly…’ No comedian can capture his energy like Eddie!”
  • “When Eddie impersonates James Brown, it’s a perfect tribute. ‘Living in America! Huh!’ Pure joy to watch!”
  • “Eddie takes off with his Michael Jackson moves. ‘Billie Jean is not my lover!’ And it’s so accurate, you feel like you’re at an MJ concert!”
  • “Doing Stevie Wonder’s ‘My Cherie Amour,’ Eddie is just magical with it. We all feel the love and the humor!”

Classic Characters Brought to Life

Murphy excels with his portrayals of classic TV and movie characters. Let’s look at some bits that have us howling:

  • “Buckwheat from ‘Little Rascals.’ ‘O-tay!’ It’s simple, sweet, and always gets laughs because it’s so nostalgic.”
  • “Ralph Kramden from ‘The Honeymooners.’ ‘To the moon, Alice!’ Murphy’s take is funny and loving at the same time!”
  • “Fred Sanford from ‘Sanford and Son.’ ‘You big dummy!’ And it’s like we’ve gone back in time watching Redd Foxx!”
  • “Eddie as Pink Panther’s Inspector Clouseau. ‘I suspect everyone, even you!’ His French accent is priceless!”
  • “Murphy doing ‘Saturday Night Live’ Gumby. ‘I’m Gumby, dammit!’ It’s outrageous and keeps us giggling!”

Dealing With Fame and Its Peculiarities

Eddie’s take on fame and the peculiarities of being a celebrity bring hilarious insights. Here’s a sampling:

  • “Getting recognized is weird. ‘People walk up to me, ‘Hey, Eddie!’ and I nod like, ‘Do I know you?’ It never gets normal.”
  • “Fan mail is crazy. ‘Someone sent me a letter asking for my hair! What am I supposed to do with that?'”
  • “Celebrity friendships are odd. ‘Chris Rock called me up at 3 AM, ‘What you doin’?’ I’m like, ‘Sleepin’, man!’”
  • “Paparazzi follow me everywhere. ‘I’m just going to the store, man. Can’t a guy get some milk in peace?'”
  • “People think you’re rich, so they ask you for money. ‘Cousin Eddie, can you spare a thousand bucks?’ Nope!'”

Satirical Takes on Social Norms and Issues

Murphy’s stand-up often includes satirical takes on social norms and issues. Here are some of his sharpest observations:

  • “Why are we so obsessed with youth? ‘Plastic surgery, Botox, it’s like we can’t age gracefully anymore!'”
  • “We talk about equality, but it’s not there yet. ‘Different strokes for different folks, but let’s get the strokes right!'”
  • “Marriage is crazy. ‘Two people together long enough, they start looking alike. You ever met a couple who look like twins?'”
  • “Diet culture is insane. ‘Everybody’s on a diet, but why? Ice cream still exists, people! Enjoy life!'”
  • “Technology’s taken over. ‘We can’t even talk face-to-face anymore – it’s all texts and emojis!'”

Honest Truths About Relationships

Many of Murphy’s funniest jokes revolve around relationships between men and women. Check out these gems:

  • “Men think they’re smooth. ‘Hey, baby, what’s your sign?’ Women are like, ‘Stop!’ Man, that’s never gonna work!”
  • “Women are perceptive. ‘They always know when something’s up. Men, we think we’re slick, but they got us pegged!'”
  • “Dating in your 40s is wild. ‘You talk about kids, exes, and diets. What happened to candy and walks in the park?'”
  • “Marriage is tough. ‘You learn to pick your battles. She’s mad about the toothpaste? Fine, let her be mad!'”
  • “Breakups are brutal. ‘Trying to get over someone? Go through the five stages of grief – it’s a roller coaster!'”

Quirky Anecdotes and Life Lessons

Eddie’s comedic insights extend to quirky anecdotes and life lessons, adding another layer to his humor:

  • “My first job was hilarious. ‘Got fired on my first day for eating the customer’s fries! I was like, ‘But they looked so good!'”
  • “Learned to drive with my dad’s old car. ‘The thing broke down every mile, but hey, I got the hang of it!'”
  • “High school was weird. ‘Trying to fit in is tough. I ended up being the class clown – the only way to survive!'”
  • “Life lesson: ‘Never trust a dog with your food. You look away for a second, and it’s gone!'”
  • “Money doesn’t buy happiness. ‘But it sure can rent some! Ain’t nothing wrong with living it up a bit!'”

Remembering Iconic Moments

Some of Murphy’s jokes have become iconic moments that fans never forget. Here are a few highlights:

  • “‘Delirious’ had us all in tears. ‘Giuseppe, kongoline pepperoni mangolino! I speak perfect Italian!’ That’s classic Eddie!”
  • “The ice cream bit from ‘Delirious’ is legendary. ‘Ice cream! You can get an ice cream… and you can’t afford it! Share, kids, share!'”
  • “The Mr. T conversation in ‘Raw’ is a favorite. ‘Eddie, I’m gonna go break your legs, fool!’ The audience loses it!”
  • “Eddie’s Pryor impersonation, ‘You know what I’m sayin’?’ It’s hilarious every single time!”
  • “The ‘goonie goo-goo’ bit is a fan favorite. ‘You know what a Goonie Goo Goo is? I don’t either!'”

Mental Health and Wellness

Murphy’s take on mental health and wellness is both insightful and humorous. Here are some moments:

  • “Keeping your sense of humor is vital. ‘If you lose your sense of humor, get out of comedy. Period. You need to laugh at yourself!'”
  • “Going to therapy is helpful. ‘Sometimes just talking things out makes a world of difference. Don’t be afraid to do it!'”
  • “Self-care is important. ‘Take that day off, go for that walk, eat that cookie…balance is key!'”
  • “Staying fit is half the battle. ‘The gym’s a hassle but getting fit while laughing? Best combo ever!'”
  • “Mind Your Thoughts: ‘Control your mind, and you control your life. Think happy, stay happy!'”

Eddie’s Exit and Final Words

Wrapping up, Eddie often leaves his audience with some parting wisdom and humor that stays with them. Here are a few nuggets:

  • “Always laugh; life’s too short. ‘If you can find humor in everything, you’re golden!'”
  • “Cherish your loved ones. ‘Family is everything! Always stay close to those who matter.'”
  • “Keep being you. ‘Unique, funny, quirky – just be yourself! It’s the best version you can be.'”
  • “Laughter heals. ‘If you laugh every day, it’s like medicine – keeps you young and happy!'”
  • “Never stop dreaming. ‘Always have a dream; it’s the fuel that keeps the adventure alive!'”

For more jokes and laughter, check out this collection of family-friendly jokes or dive into some hilarious animal jokes that will surely light up your day.

Avery Ingram

Avery Ingram


Read more articles by Avery Ingram